THE ONLY SAIMECHA 2011 FINALS VOTING GUIDE YOU’LL EVER NEED

The final round of SaiMecha 2011 is upon us. You may see some blog posts prescribing you their choice of robot, defending their points with equal passion and eloquence.

Don’t read them. These people have no idea what they’re talking about. Nor have I. Instead, I’ve asked for the write-ups of qualified people whose opinions we could trust, since these people are real pilots, having had actual experience with these mechs. Those armchair anime bloggers could all lay down with their broken robot toys and die in a fire.

Without further ado!

Zaku II

A rugged machine, adaptable to many battle conditions. Good variety of weapon choices, plus I’m a fan of axes. The cockpit hatch could open a little more wider, my boots brush the inside too often while getting in/out.

Rating: 4 stars

— Norris Packard

Controls are not as responsive as the new Dom, but the more even weight distribution makes jumping easier. Proven on the battlefield, and the abundance of spare parts ensures that you’ll never sortie underequipped. The Zaku II fits all my needs, and is 100% compatible with my old Zaku I’s custom parts.

PS: If you’re using the J variant, make sure to equip anti-personal flechette grenades. They could save your life!

Rating: 4.5 stars

— Topp

Highly customizable. I gave it a horn, painted it salmon pink, and bribed a mechanic to increase its thruster output by 33.3%. This got me no less than five Magellan-class battleship kills. What do you know, the Zaku kickstarted my career as an ace pilot!

PS: I’d take this over that shitty Zeong, which doesn’t have any legs. What the hell was Kycilia thinking?

Rating: 5 stars

— Char Aznable

Pros: Cockpit fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it (insignia option, of course), attracts women

Cons: Only 1 eye (3 would be really rad), shield too small against other mobile suits, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the darkness of space.

Rating: 3.5 stars

— Shin Matsunaga

Everyone above me is stupid.

The real deal is: the Zaku II is outdated. These are your grandpa’s machines, they don’t even have a Learning Computer. They drop like flies to my RX-78’s beam rifle, because they were made to fight ships, not other mobile suits.

What a bunch of noobs. Now if you excuse me, I have to show them how wrong they are.

Rating: 1 star

— Amuro Ray

Evangelion 01 Test Type

[source]

I read from somewhere that the Test Type is a seminal work on mecha design, so I tried it.

Bottom line: DON’T pilot this. You’ll only get disappointed.

First, I got claustrophobic in the cylindrical cockpit. Then piss started flooding inside, I thought I was drowning. They told me it would allow me to interface with the Test Type, but it’s still the color of piss and smells like blood.

I couldn’t stomach the shit anymore, so I got out of the mech and demanded a refund. Predictably, they refused to give me one. FML.

Rating: 1 star

— Kouji Kabuto

I don’t mind the LCL, but I understand where people are coming from. It’s not much of a bother once you get used to it.

The Test Type is pretty easy to control. None of those complicated stuff you have to pull off just to run. Will it, and the mech will do the heavy lifting for you. I appreciate this a lot, because coming straight from my last job, my old mecha needed careful attention even when combining, or I’d blow up.

However, I must say that any damage the mech sustains will immediately reflect on your body as sheer, nerve-wracking pain. Yeah, it sucks. That’s a big drawback, but if you’re good as me, then there shouldn’t be any problem.

PS: I read in the manual that it has a defense mechanism called the AT Field, but I’ve never experienced it activating at all. When I asked the guy in charge, he said nothing. I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Rating: 3.5 stars

— Ryoma Nagare

Why does this still run on a cord? The Zaku came out more than a decade before this, and that didn’t need any goddamn wires. If you even try to disengage it, battery life is too short for you to get shit done. The weapons are also abysmally weak for the type of enemy it gets to fight regularly.

Nice shield, though. Never got nicked at all, but it’s kind of off-putting to see it activate on its own. Would like a HUD indicator whenever it’s going to come out, and how much longer it can take. I could do it for free, if only NERV would only allow it.

No transformation takes off an entire star from me.

Rating: 2 stars

–Kamille Bidan

My RahXephon was out for repairs and wouldn’t ship back in a month, so I tried the Evangelion 01 Test Type for a change.

I’ve got to admit, NERV is pretty clever with things. My RahXephon moves like Jell-O compared to this beast. It can’t fly, big deal. It has goddamn guns, not a dumb bow or whatnot. I skewered an army of Dolems with a positron rifle that took the entire electric power of Japan, how cool is that?

One caveat, though. Never, ever try to sing with the Test Type. It’s an absolute disaster. They never let me use it again after that. I guess you can’t have them all.

Rating: 3.5 stars

— Ayato Kamina

The Test Type has this weird tendency to shut down during operation. I wonder why. I was told that I should try harder, but Dad doesn’t understand me at all… why doesn’t he try piloting this? I’m sick of the pain whenever I screw up, so much that the Test Type starts acting on its own and finishes off the enemy for me. It must hate me as well.

And it has totally ugly teeth. No wonder the blue-haired chick I work with doesn’t even look my way. I could use a nicer-looking mech.

Well Dad, fuck you and your mech.

Rating: 0 stars

— Shinji Ikari

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19 Responses to THE ONLY SAIMECHA 2011 FINALS VOTING GUIDE YOU’LL EVER NEED

  1. ToastCrust says:

    This post is hype.

  2. Stormshrug says:

    LACK OF BERNARD WISEMAN REVIEW KNOCKS AN ENTIRE STAR OFF OF THIS REVIEW POST.

    Seriously, though, I lol’d.

    • schneider says:

      He’d probably give it a low score, complaining that the cockpit armor plating could have been a lot more thicker.

      • Stormshrug says:

        Yeah, I feel like a lot of people have that complaint about a lot of Mobile Suits. It’s probably, like, among the top three complaints.

        The Zaku II could definitely be chunkier, though. MORE ARMOR. MORE MONOEYE.

  3. Reid says:

    You’re the freakin’ man, Schneider. I especially liked the part about how Ryouma couldn’t get the AT field to deploy. That’s what happens when you’re crazier than every other insane thing going on and not scared of anything anyway.

  4. Matt Wells says:

    I PISSED MY PANTS LAUGHING. The funniest thing to come out of Saimecha, BY FAR, was Ryoma’s description of test piloting Eva-01. “It synchs completely with your body movements. Since I’m an unbeatable Judo badass, I was slicing Angels in half with my bare hands. I hear there’s an optional sword attatchment out there, but I would have appreciated an axe for decapitations. The default pussy knife this thing comes with reminds me of the weapons Yakuza weaklings shove into my stomach every Thursday, telling lies about how I somehow owe them money, WHICH IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT BY THE WAY.”

    Kamille on the power source. “Since I’m used to machines that run on the souls of my dead family members, the Eva-01 seemed a perfect fit for me, but I got kinda tired of using a machine harnessing my dead mother’s soul. She still nags me to death about how I should make more friends and stop punching people, and piloting it on the inside like a fetus in a womb…seemed too psychologicaly fixated for a healthy, mature fellow like me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to murder this metrosexual douchebag who said I had a girly name. KAMILLE’S A MAN’S NAME, AND I AM A MAN!”

    Serious props to you sir. I could hug you for this. The only problem is that I want to see an entire article dedicated to nothing but mecha pilots trying out machines from other series. Sort of like Top Gear meets Super Robot Wars. This was, as advertised, the only Saimecha finals voting guide I ever needed.

  5. None of these liars got to pilot the Eva. Do not believe them. Also, Shinji keeps running away.

    LIKE IT MATTERS.

    The Eva-01 ALWAYS WINS ANYWAY.

    Sup Zaku?

  6. Well Dad, fuck you and your mech.

    Rating: 0 stars

    – Shinji Ikari

    *applause*

  7. vendredi says:

    “One caveat, though. Never, ever try to sing with the Test Type. It’s an absolute disaster. They never let me use it again after that. I guess you can’t have them all.”

    Tokyo-3 Idol? I’d watch it.

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